Do you find you judge yourself and hold yourself to impossible standards? You may have an inner critical voice. Here's how to recognise self-criticism and some ideas on becoming more self-compassionate.
A perceived failure stays with you long after the event.
It is inevitable that as human beings, we make mistakes. We can learn lessons from them if we allow ourselves to. However, if you find you overthink the event days or even years later, then you could have a critical inner voice.
Try and see the positives. Remember you are not as present in other peoples' minds as you think you are and they will have forgotten the mistake long before you have.
You would not talk to a friend in the same way you talk to yourself.
Of course you wouldn't. Ask yourself this next time you are being harsh towards yourself. If you heard someone talking to a friend in that way, you probably wouldn't be too happy about it so why is it OK to talk to yourself like that? Next time you're having critical thoughts, take a moment to reflect on the words. Treat yourself like you would a friend.
You're frightened of failure or getting it wrong
Do you find that you put off tasks or plans because you might fail? The fear of failing can be paralysing and can stop you moving forward. It can help to look at the worst case scenario. What if you get it wrong? Will anyone get hurt? Can you try again? Can you learn from the failure? Of course there's always the possibility you won't fail.
You find it hard to recognise your successes
If you're congratulated on an achievement, do you find it hard to not respond with a negative remark about yourself? If you're asked how well you did in an exam or with a task, can you answer objectively or do you respond in a self-critical way? Downplaying your accomplishments can come from a feeling of not being good enough or imposter syndrome.
It can be helpful to recognise that others' opinions will not be as harsh as your own opinion. It can be scary asking for feedback on a project or task but it's unlikely they will have a reason not to be honest with you and you may be pleasantly surprised.
Look at the what you've achieved from an outside point of view. See what you've done well as well as where you might improve. It's OK to be proud of something you've accomplished even though somewhere along the line you learned that it's not OK.
How can therapy help?
Counselling can help you to change the critical self-monologue to a kinder one. The first part of the work involves talking about where the voice comes from. We are not born self-critical so it may be that you had a critical parent who shamed you for your mistakes. Once we have identified where it comes from and whose voice it really is, we work on self-awareness and catching those critical thoughts, externalising them, separating them from you and recognising they are not your words. Writing them in a journal might be helpful or leaving them in the therapy room. In time, those thoughts could become less present and you can begin to have more compassion for yourself.