Let me start by saying there is no shame in overfunctioning. It is a set of behaviours you developed as a child to cope with stress and anxiety that has lead to you taking responsibility for other people's problems and feeling as if you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. It served you well as a child but as an adult, it can be unhelpful.
What is Overfunctioning?
Feeling responsible for other people's problems and wellbeing; taking control, advising and finding solutions
Feeling anxious when others are struggling
Being seen as the strong one
Avoiding your own problems by over-focusing on others
Believing you know what's best for others
Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, under-appreciated and feeling as if you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders
Why Are You Overfunctioning? Overfunctioning is a typical trait in the eldest child. Like many behaviours, it is an unconscious, maladaptive response to anxiety and stress. Overfunctioning behaviours are common in adults who as a child:
took on parental responsibilities when one or both parents were emotionally absent
had to adapt their own behaviour and become the "perfect" child to protect themselves against an angry parent and felt responsible for the behaviour of their siblings
were burdened with a parent's emotional difficulties and were inappropriately treated as confidante or counsellor.
Why Is Overfunctioning Unhelpful to Wellbeing?
On the surface it may seem that helping others is a good thing, and sometimes it is. Overfunctioning becomes a problem when:
It can result in burnout with feelings of dissatisfaction, disinterest, lack of motivation and depression
Being seen as "the strong one" means that your own needs are not met because asking for help is seen as a weakness or leaves you feeling vulnerable
It impacts your relationships as solution-finding and taking over could be unwelcome and seen as interfering
How Do You Stop Overfunctioning?
Recognise that other people can make decisions and take responsibility for themselves
Learn to tolerate discomfort or anxiety when seeing someone else struggling
Set boundaries and practice saying "no"
See that your needs are important too and it's OK to ask for help
Practice self-compassion. It is not your fault and there is nothing to be ashamed of
Find a therapist who can help you understand why you overfunction and work with you to find a healthier way of being